August 13, 2012

the sign

Last sunday I went out and took some photos with my friend Santana.  I liked this one cause it looks like the cars are coming at you...yes they are.

August 9, 2012


Sad couple days. I have had to drop friends off at LAX to go back home. Now I have new places to travel though!!!

August 1, 2012

My man

I was just driving down cold water turning in to Ventura blvd and William shatner was waiting to cross the street!!!!! Love him. The funny thing is I was thinking of joe and then saw William he always knew i likes him!!!!

July 31, 2012

New internship

Today I started as an intern at 1821 and it is crazy. I listen to the the production company in the other room try and find scripts, discuss actors and etc.
I got lost on my way to a bank run and then when I got back he gave me a smile like yes I gave you wrong directions.
Now at lunch. He just gave me a card and said go to lunch!
Very interesting for my first day.

July 28, 2012


My life you know has always been crazy and unique.  I have an internship right now that I just started and need to read a book then write about what my thoughts are and etc.
Well I first noticed the email on the movie set that I'm working on right now and thought the title Saturday night windows was weird but what ever.  Late last night I got home and printed it out...I can't read on the computer plus I wanted to highlight things.  So after printing a little over 300 pages of paper I crawled in to bed and started to read ( yes after a long day on set at it almost 11 pm) When I was reading there was a weird thing...the word widow was in there...The name of the book is Saturday night Widows not windows :)
So lets say so far I'm hooked and you know I don't really read books.  However not sure if it is the subject or it is really good only on chapter 3.  but that is far for me.


Hi guys. I finally dowloaded the app so I will blog more. I'm never home and time to write is rare but there is so much to share!

June 13, 2012


sorry I have been absent...I'm trying to get thing all settled and find my way here in LA.  The girls did awesome on the plane ride out here.  Still trying to find an internship but i keep plugging away.

May 24, 2012

bday scope 3

A person in your circle of nearest and dearest has to make a change, which will affect your life. You are not in control of what others do, so you have to accept that it is what it is and move on. Change can be unsettling, but it’s this very change, and the disruption it causes, that moves you into the next exciting phase of life.

again it says it all...

bday scope 2

Happy birthday! Don't hesitate to get out there and shine. You're a natural people person. Even if you try to hide, fans and friends will find you. You can be charming and engaging with everyone you meet without telling everyone all your secrets. Enjoy a lively creative summer, peaking in September, when something you might have feared turns into a lovely and useful surprise. Treat everyone well, because someone of future importance may have an eye on you already. Keep dreams and expenses under control, especially in March and April. Enjoy an elegant and intimate end of your year!

bday scope

Because you have so many interests it can be hard for you to decide on one course of action, but over the next 12 months one particular goal will take on special significance. It's your life's work, so put everything into it.

enough said...

May 22, 2012


Here is the article I was talking about it sums up some of the things I feel! 

On April 22, 2004, I was in my office in Seattle, talking with a colleague about whether we should go for drinks, when the receptionist leaned into my work space. His gaze fell to the ground. I'll never forget the pause as he searched for words. "Marie? There are some people here to see you."
I didn't ask who they were. Maybe I was trying to spare myself, take a few more moments before the inevitable. I left for the conference room to find a chaplain and three soldiers standing in full-dress Army uniforms, and I knew instantly that my husband, former football player Pat Tillman, had been killed. He had been in Afghanistan for less than three weeks. I was a widow at 27.
It wasn't really logical for Pat to leave his NFL career with the Arizona Cardinals and enlist in the Army a few months before our wedding; his decision was emotional. Since 9/11, he'd talked about wanting to defend our country. Courage was in his DNA, passed down from his grandfather, who had been at Pearl Harbor. We'd already been a couple for nearly a decade—we had known each other since we were kids in a small town south of San Francisco—and we wanted to start a family as soon as possible. His enlisting interfered with that plan. In my angry moments, I felt he was being selfish. But deep down, I knew that by asking him not to go, I'd be asking him to be someone he wasn't. Plus, I didn't really think he could get hurt or killed. He was smart and strong; he'd figure out a way to get through. I told myself that the three years of his enlistment would be a blip in our life together. I could imagine us old, sitting in our rockers, reminiscing: "Remember when you were in the military? That was crazy!"
The night Pat died, I sifted through the papers on my dresser and found his "just in case" letter. He'd written it while on an earlier deployment to Iraq and left it in our bedroom during a hiatus. When he offhandedly told me what it was, I wondered if I should open it. But the subject felt too big to talk about. So it remained there, without another comment from either of us.
The letter was both precious and awful—the last communication I'd ever have with my husband. I sat holding it for a long time, then finally started reading Pat's familiar scrawl, hearing his voice as I read: "It's difficult to summarize my love for you, my hopes for your future, and pretend to be dead all at the same time…. I'm not ready, willing or able." Then these words: "Through the years, I've asked a great deal of you, therefore it should surprise you little that I have another favor to ask. I ask that you live."
The tears I'd so far withheld on that terrible day finally flowed so fast, I couldn't breathe. Like a child, I crawled into the corner, waiting for the sobs to subside, but they kept coming. "I ask that you live." His words burned in my head as I read them again, thinking that I didn't want to live without him. He was the strong one, not me. He knew my instinct would be to give up, that sometimes I needed a not-so-gentle push. He'd seen strength in me when I didn't see it myself, and as I sat huddled on the floor, I gave him this last request. I promised to live. I knew it would be the most difficult thing I would ever do.
In some ways, I had no choice. Pat's death set off a media storm. Complete strangers mourned the loss of something symbolic, and interview requests clogged our phone lines. Meanwhile, I felt disconnected from everyone—except my sister, Christine—isolated on an island of grief. Yet I acted fine, in an effort to break free from the stifling embraces and well-meaning advice. I went through the motions of my life. I'd wake up in the house I shared with Pat's brother Kevin, the day stretching ahead of me, put on my running shoes and explore the damp streets around my house, the grief hanging around me like a thick blanket, insulating me from the world.

One day, after roaming for hours, I came home and fell onto the bed. There were a few how-to-grieve books on the nightstand that people had sent to me. After reading one particularly unhelpful bit, I threw the book across the room. As I got up, my eye fell on another volume, wedged between the bed and the wall. It was Pat's copy of Ralph Waldo Emerson's collected writings; Pat had taken it with him to Iraq. As I eagerly scanned it, an underlined passage leaped out at me: "Be not the slave to your own past." For the first time, I felt a glimmer of faith, not in something mystical but in myself. I couldn't control what had happened, but I could control my reaction. I saw two roads ahead: one of self-pity, the other less certain but lighter and more open. When a friend called not long after that to see if I wanted to join her on a last-minute trip to Hawaii, I thought of the sand between my toes and booked my ticket.
The comfort I'd found in Emerson's words led me to read other great thinkers for insight, and, a year after Pat died, I sensed it was time for some big decisions. I had always wanted to live in New York City, and I decided to move there. It was different from anywhere I'd ever known, and I could heal in my own way—no inquisitive eyes wondering, How's Marie today? I wasn't after the Carrie Bradshaw experience. I needed an energy transfusion in the extreme privacy of an anonymous place. In New York, the news of Pat's death was already ancient history. I could try on a different persona. Back home, my childhood friends were all married, and I stood out as a tragic figure. In New York, women wouldn't necessarily be married at 22, or even 42. I found a job at ESPN, and my workdays were filled with traveling and putting out fires. There was never time to think. It was ideal.
Yet I still didn't know who I was. Not only had I lost Pat, I'd also lost my identity as his wife. Even getting dressed to go out brought up all kinds of tough identity issues. I was 29, not 59, but I felt like my prewidow wardrobe standby of skinny jeans and a slinky top suddenly wasn't appropriate. I didn't want to wear anything too revealing; dating was out of the question.
I was also worried that, as a widow, I'd be something of a broken girl in the social scene. But the more I talked with my single girlfriends, the more I realized that nearly everyone is a little damaged, one way or another. I had once had, and lost, a great love—maybe that was less damaging than having suffered a long string of less meaningful relationships. I knew how to give love and receive it—I kept this affirmation in my mind. I would not allow myself to be buried with my husband. Again and again, I'd unfold Pat's letter and let him tell me to please live.
And then, unexpectedly, I met someone through work, and his attention grew harder to cast aside. I didn't think I was remotely ready, but it did feel good to have a few butterflies. Texting led to group dinners, and one night, we kissed. I couldn't help comparing him with Pat, but I found myself leaning into the comfort of his body. I had missed this closeness, and even with this relative stranger, my body reacted. Yet from our initial meeting, I kept my life compartmentalized. We never spoke about Pat; I wanted things to stay light and fun. I wasn't ready to let someone into the deep, dark recesses of my life.
But over time, I began to feel as if I were lying: lying to the man I was dating by pretending I was carefree, lying to Pat's family about the light that was starting to shine in my life, and lying to myself, thinking I could keep things separate. How could I have a relationship without being honest about my past?
I couldn't, and eventually, this man and I parted. I was devastated but too embarrassed to talk to anyone about my feelings. Like always, I had maintained a cool front about the relationship. Now I realized that I really wanted a connection to another person, and the breakup caused me to mourn all over again. I felt I had no control: I might meet someone—or not. All I could do was open the door to the possibility of love.

New York City had done what I'd asked it to do. But I was a California girl at heart. My family was there. The Pat Tillman Foundation, the nonprofit we'd started to nurture student leaders, was in Arizona, and I wanted to get more involved. I felt a pull homeward, so I decided to move to Los Angeles. This time, though, I was relocating in anticipation of the future, not out of desperation to escape my past.
I found a house in L.A. and set about making it calm, comfortable, even a bit girly. Then, on my 31st birthday, I treated myself to a solo trip to Buenos Aires. Pat had loved nothing more than an adventure. He never let fear stand in his way, and neither would I. Traveling alone was a metaphor for my life, with all its sadness and freedom. I could set out for a destination but change course along the way. One night, I took a tango class at a community center in the middle of the city. As I danced through the early-morning hours, I thought about how happy Pat would be if he could see me.
Back at home, I still ducked the spotlight. The few speaking appearances I'd made since Pat's death had left me feeling horrible. It was bizarre having people applaud for me—Pat was the one who had gone to war. I hadn't done anything. Yet to them, I was his living representative. So I surprised myself when, between jobs, I offered to take over as director of the foundation, at least for a while. Once the words were out of my mouth, they felt right. My husband's life had been cut short; mine could be long. Why not try to have an impact?
First, though, I had to conquer my fear of public speaking and get past some other barriers as well. It had been nearly four years since Pat's death, but the foundation thrust me back into the role of widow. I was constantly approached by people who said, "I'm so sorry about what happened." But I wasn't sitting around crying each day. Worse, even though the foundation wasn't about Pat as much as the spirit of service he'd instilled in me and others, people invariably asked me, What was he like? Why did he enlist? Sometimes I wanted to snap, None of your business!
Yet if I left the foundation, I knew I'd be mad at myself for not moving past the roadblocks. I needed to manage the direction of the conversations to keep the questions from getting to me. I went for training in public speaking, but the shift really came during the question-and-answer period of one speech. I had always dreaded that part of the program most, but on that day, I shared more than I ever had about how it felt to lose Pat, focusing on the feelings I was comfortable revealing. I took charge of the situation, and afterward, military wives approached me to say how much they related to my speech and to me. After Pat died, I'd sought out stories about people who had been touched by tragedy—I couldn't read enough about how others had self expression overcome their circumstances. Now I could be the person who understood. My mask of privacy had given me control when I needed it most, but sharing myself with others gave me power.
Pat's last letter to me is now safely tucked away in a shoe box in the home I share with my husband, Joe, whom I married last year. I also met him through work, and while the conversation on our first date ranged from pop culture to the minutiae of our lives, we were communicating something very different: We had both weathered our share of disappointment and loss, but we remained open to life. I didn't know where that evening with a kind, interesting man would lead, but that night proved I had not been broken. I could travel alone, make decisions alone and kick myself out of a funk. I could contribute to the world.
I think that's what Pat meant when he asked me to live—not only to have fun but to understand that there is a weight to life, and he didn't want me to be frivolous with mine. It is a tragedy that Pat's life ended too soon. But it's also a tragedy to live a long life that isn't meaningful. A life should have depth, which means pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. It has taken years, but I am at that point now. I am truly and deeply living.

May 21, 2012

just breath

This is from Kathy Feston - I also read a good article on the plane that made me a mess - just once I would like to leave LA with out crying.  The article from from the widow of Pat Tillman - I will post more about it but totally hit a cord with me - finally someone knows how I feel.

So much is possible when you put your mind to it.  But it's not just your mind that matters; it's also about opening your heart and allowing the energy to FLOW.

Open. Invite flow. Be a conduit for good things to happen through you. Lean forward and into that magic you are helping to create.

Here is a two-minute meditation that you can read aloud to yourself  it'll set you up for endless possibilities!Relax and get comfortable with your eyes closed.  Feel your breathing become steady and full.  Today, let all your doubt and worry drop away, and focus instead on what’s possible.  What’s possible for you this year?  What might you need to do or who might you need to be for it to happen?  What’s possible for the world?   How can you be a part of it?  Feel in your bones that anything could happen in the best of ways. Breathe in what’s possible.  And exhale as you pour your energy in to making it so.

May 16, 2012


so in my crazy quest to get a job in television - i got an invite for a fund raiser at the house of a big time executive in TV.  So like I said before how do I pack for LA when I have no idea what I will get myself into????

Yes I am going to go to the party - now what to wear?

May 15, 2012


Foxy went to the chriropatctor ( sorry the spell check is not working not a fan of this new blogger) yesterday - she was a mess - shoulder, jaw, hip and pelvis were all out of wack.  She is doing much better today it is just amazing how he can realign her back to normal.

Ana is working on getting use to going inside her travel case.  cross your fingers this works!

May 10, 2012

Dog rescue

Warning this is sooo sad and soo happy at the same time - I love it thanks to my future writer friend for sharing it. (yes I have my fingers crossed)

May 8, 2012


HEy guys - so this is why I have been so crazy - I have decided to visit LA for a while - but to this I need a internship or job.  I have enrolled in USC and have internship credits - so If anyone know any in costume design/wardrobe styling or PA - please hook me up!

Also in January I started going to school again - this saturday I get my graphic arts design certificate. Yes certificate I already have a degree so I could just do the basic classes to get certified.  Now I just need to practice more.

I also have a man that will clean my drains today - hopefully that will fix my water problem.  Not to mention I had new steps put in.

If anyone knows how to pack for a couple month let me know :)

Thanks I will let you know more as it get closer but the good news is the blogs will be better - how ever twitter is so much easier :)

May 7, 2012


Thanks Kate for this.  might explain why Venice was my favorite at 6am before anyone was on the island.

May 1, 2012


20 years go the LA riots started.  I never really thought that much about them till last year when I was in LA and now with the anniversary.  I'm absorbing more of the story and how bad it really was.  I'm going to watch a documentary on it this week too so I'm sure there will be more comments from me.  Not to mention on of the last LA magazines I got was all about the riots.

it is on VH1 tonight check it out.

April 30, 2012


it is funny that if you share you dreams with people even stranger you have just met how they are willing to what ever to help you.

thank you

I love my friends cuz they make me laugh!!

April 26, 2012


Sunday night I had a dream that I lived in a house.  (more to the dream than that but that is all you get) I looked up in my dream book what that meant.

To dream that you own an elegant house, denotes that you will soon leave your home for a better one, and fortune will be kind to you.

Sorry I had this scheduled for yesterday and it didn't go - still figuring this out.


Hey sorry neighbors - the jack hammering has started and it is early.  I'm getting my new sidwalk and steps today!!!

April 23, 2012

Ansel letter

Here is a letter from Ansel Adams that someone tweeted this weekend and wanted to share it with you guys.
Still not use to this new layout and can't find the way to pre load posts.

June 19, 1937

Dear Cedric,

A strange thing happened to me today. I saw a big thundercloud move down over Half Dome, and it was so big and clear and brilliant that it made me see many things that were drifting around inside of me; things that related to those who are loved and those who are real friends.

For the first time I know what love is; what friends are; and what art should be.

Love is a seeking for a way of life; the way that cannot be followed alone; the resonance of all spiritual and physical things. Children are not only of flesh and blood — children may be ideas, thoughts, emotions. The person of the one who is loved is a form composed of a myriad mirrors reflecting and illuminating the powers and thoughts and the emotions that are within you, and flashing another kind of light from within. No words or deeds may encompass it.

Friendship is another form of love — more passive perhaps, but full of the transmitting and acceptance of things like thunderclouds and grass and the clean granite of reality.

Art is both love and friendship, and understanding; the desire to give. It is not charity, which is the giving of Things, it is more than kindness which is the giving of self. It is both the taking and giving of beauty, the turning out to the light the inner folds of the awareness of the spirit. It is the recreation on another plane of the realities of the world; the tragic and wonderful realities of earth and men, and of all the inter-relations of these.

I wish the thundercloud had moved up over Tahoe and let loose on you; I could wish you nothing finer.


April 20, 2012

new stuff

Ohh blogger changed there layout...not sure what I'm doing right now.

anyway just wanted to let you know the new york post is following me on they don't follow everyone.  I need to bump up my twitter content :)


Hey guess what I finally got through most of my mail since the end of feb!!!! There still is alittle left but I'm working on it. I also called a couple of catalog companies to get mine and Joe's names taken off there list!

I know it is the calm before the storm...i hope any way cause I getting things done that have been on the list for years :)

April 19, 2012


does everyone feel tired and sluggish in this weather? I could not get out of bed yesterday - either could the girls.

also did anyone watch suburbatory last night??? that dad that was going out with Alicia was the the guy she kissed in or was playing suck and blow with in Clueless - that is why at the end they referenced suck and blow :)

April 18, 2012

clean up

Yesterday I took 6 bags to goodwill! put my printer, computer monitor and weed trimmer out on the curb to be recycle. (with my recycling with i never put out) a bunch of cardboard - oh my house feel lighter and I feel so good. Why does it feel got to clean things out???

next year I'm going to cochella - anyone want to join me. - I want to camp in the nice tents with the hard wood floors and of course have the vip tickets.

April 13, 2012

happy friday!!

Happy friday the 13th!!! a couple things my friend jenn pointed out that I'm not just on jury duty next year yes a year I'm on federal court jury duty. Of course it can't just be plain old jury duty.

Went to the target center last night to see the wolves loss - it brought back memories of Glee, disney on ice, jimmy buffet and maybe my crazy one was when I went to see Janet Jackson there with my roomate from Stout...she was so drunk before the concert and got taken away to detox. Everyone around us started to clap. Oh she also fell down about 15 rows on the top level or should I say rolled down. She also lost her emerald ring and called lost and found to see if it was there. They said what color is the emerald!?!?!?
AHH memories.

the last thing is make sure you seat belts are fastened and keep all arms inside the car it will be one crazy ride...

April 11, 2012


So the girls let me sleep in and I didn't have anything important to take care...let say the day went long...I kept looking at the clock say wow I still can get more stuff done. It was a crazy day. Usually I look at the clock and it is 6:00 pm and I'm like oh my gosh I need to do so much more stuff.

Today the girls decided 3:30 am was a good time to get up....oh my I need a nap.

April 10, 2012


I meant to write this earlier today but the girls let me sleep in :)

A couple of weeks ago I went to have a facial. The facialist said "how often and where do you go for your botox" What botox???? Not sure if that was a complement, or a suggestion.

April 6, 2012


foxy has been hanging out in my closet a lot lately. Today it happened i accidentally shut her in for about a 1/2 till I hear her bark...darn dog. She goes in the way back so I can't see her.

April 5, 2012


today at my acupuncture appointment I asked her if there is a way to active my creativity. My brain has been getting better every day but I still have problems with creativity and thinking fast on my feet still.

She explained that I'm not totally 100% yet I still have pieces scattered but it is coming together and not to rush things. If I rush things I will run head on into a brick wall and thing will be worst. So just be she said.

I told her I went to a psychic the other week and she said the same thing. I also asked her what I should do and she came back with I'm blank right now just be you are ok just being. But take a trip out west.

Thuy my acupuncturist said you didn't need to go to her for all of that I could have told you that. Not to mention I can see your spirit would be happy in LA. I believe you need to be by a body of water (big)

Now as I'm writing this I just noticed I have a blood spot on my white shirt from a needle in my chest...yes I was stressed again.

April 4, 2012


sorry about the lack of blogging - I need a stop the world for a couple days to get my life back under control.

I even have to have pre made juice this morning...some of you know how i love my fresh juice.

have a good easter!

March 29, 2012

love & brain

The Brain on Love


Diane Ackerman on the the natural world, the world of human endeavor and connections between the two.

A RELATIVELY new field, called interpersonal neurobiology, draws its vigor from one of the great discoveries of our era: that the brain is constantly rewiring itself based on daily life. In the end, what we pay the most attention to defines us. How you choose to spend the irreplaceable hours of your life literally transforms you.

All relationships change the brain — but most important are the intimate bonds that foster or fail us, altering the delicate circuits that shape memories, emotions and that ultimate souvenir, the self.

Every great love affair begins with a scream. At birth, the brain starts blazing new neural pathways based on its odyssey in an alien world. An infant is steeped in bright, buzzing, bristling sensations, raw emotions and the curious feelings they unleash, weird objects, a flux of faces, shadowy images and dreams — but most of all a powerfully magnetic primary caregiver whose wizardry astounds.

Olimpia Zagnoli

Brain scans show synchrony between the brains of mother and child; but what they can’t show is the internal bond that belongs to neither alone, a fusion in which the self feels so permeable it doesn’t matter whose body is whose. Wordlessly, relying on the heart’s semaphores, the mother says all an infant needs to hear, communicating through eyes, face and voice. Thanks to advances in neuroimaging, we now have evidence that a baby’s first attachments imprint its brain. The patterns of a lifetime’s behaviors, thoughts, self-regard and choice of sweethearts all begin in this crucible.

We used to think this was the end of the story: first heredity, then the brain’s engraving mental maps in childhood, after which you’re pretty much stuck with the final blueprint.

But as a wealth of imaging studies highlight, the neural alchemy continues throughout life as we mature and forge friendships, dabble in affairs, succumb to romantic love, choose a soul mate. The body remembers how that oneness with Mother felt, and longs for its adult equivalent.

As the most social apes, we inhabit a mirror-world in which every important relationship, whether with spouse, friend or child, shapes the brain, which in turn shapes our relationships. Daniel J. Siegel and Allan N. Schore, colleagues at the University of California, Los Angeles, recently discussed groundbreaking work in the field at a conference on the school’s campus. It’s not that caregiving changes genes; it influences how the genes express themselves as the child grows. Dr. Siegel, a neuropsychiatrist, refers to the indelible sense of “feeling felt” that we learn as infants and seek in romantic love, a reciprocity that remodels the brain’s architecture and functions.

Does it also promote physical well-being? “Scientific studies of longevity, medical and mental health, happiness and even wisdom,” Dr. Siegel says, “point to supportive relationships as the most robust predictor of these positive attributes in our lives across the life span.”

The supportive part is crucial. Loving relationships alter the brain the most significantly.

Just consider how much learning happens when you choose a mate. Along with thrilling dependency comes glimpsing the world through another’s eyes; forsaking some habits and adopting others (good or bad); tasting new ideas, rituals, foods or landscapes; a slew of added friends and family; a tapestry of physical intimacy and affection; and many other catalysts, including a tornadic blast of attraction and attachment hormones — all of which revamp the brain.

When two people become a couple, the brain extends its idea of self to include the other; instead of the slender pronoun “I,” a plural self emerges who can borrow some of the other’s assets and strengths. The brain knows who we are. The immune system knows who we’re not, and it stores pieces of invaders as memory aids. Through lovemaking, or when we pass along a flu or a cold sore, we trade bits of identity with loved ones, and in time we become a sort of chimera. We don’t just get under a mate’s skin, we absorb him or her.

Love is the best school, but the tuition is high and the homework can be painful. As imaging studies by the U.C.L.A. neuroscientist Naomi Eisenberger show, the same areas of the brain that register physical pain are active when someone feels socially rejected. That’s why being spurned by a lover hurts all over the body, but in no place you can point to. Or rather, you’d need to point to the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex in the brain, the front of a collar wrapped around the corpus callosum, the bundle of nerve fibers zinging messages between the hemispheres that register both rejection and physical assault.

Whether they speak Armenian or Mandarin, people around the world use the same images of physical pain to describe a broken heart, which they perceive as crushing and crippling. It’s not just a metaphor for an emotional punch. Social pain can trigger the same sort of distress as a stomachache or a broken bone.

But a loving touch is enough to change everything. James Coan, a neuroscientist at the University of Virginia, conducted experiments in 2006 in which he gave an electric shock to the ankles of women in happy, committed relationships. Tests registered their anxiety before, and pain level during, the shocks.

Then they were shocked again, this time holding their loving partner’s hand. The same level of electricity produced a significantly lower neural response throughout the brain. In troubled relationships, this protective effect didn’t occur. If you’re in a healthy relationship, holding your partner’s hand is enough to subdue your blood pressure, ease your response to stress, improve your health and soften physical pain. We alter one another’s physiology and neural functions.

However, it’s not all sub rosa. One can decide to be a more attentive and compassionate partner, mindful of the other’s motives, hurts and longings. Breaking old habits isn’t easy, since habits are deeply ingrained neural shortcuts, a way of slurring over details without having to dwell on them. Couples often choose to rewire their brains on purpose, sometimes with a therapist’s help, to ease conflicts and strengthen their at-one-ness.

While they were both in the psychology department of Stony Brook University, Bianca Acevedo and Arthur Aron scanned the brains of long-married couples who described themselves as still “madly in love.” Staring at a picture of a spouse lit up their reward centers as expected; the same happened with those newly in love (and also with cocaine users). But, in contrast to new sweethearts and cocaine addicts, long-married couples displayed calm in sites associated with fear and anxiety. Also, in the opiate-rich sites linked to pleasure and pain relief, and those affiliated with maternal love, the home fires glowed brightly.

A happy marriage relieves stress and makes one feel as safe as an adored baby. Small wonder “Baby” is a favorite adult endearment. Not that romantic love is an exact copy of the infant bond. One needn’t consciously regard a lover as momlike to profit from the parallels. The body remembers, the brain recycles and restages.

So how does this play out beyond the lab? I saw the healing process up close after my 74-year-old husband, who is also a writer, suffered a left-hemisphere stroke that wiped out a lifetime of language. All he could utter was “mem.” Mourning the loss of our duet of decades, I began exploring new ways to communicate, through caring gestures, pantomime, facial expressions, humor, play, empathy and tons of affection — the brain’s epitome of a safe attachment. That, plus the admittedly eccentric home schooling I provided, and his diligent practice, helped rewire his brain to a startling degree, and in time we were able to talk again, he returned to writing books, and even his vision improved. The brain changes with experience throughout our lives; it’s in loving relationships of all sorts — partners, children, close friends — that brain and body really thrive.

During idylls of safety, when your brain knows you’re with someone you can trust, it needn’t waste precious resources coping with stressors or menace. Instead it may spend its lifeblood learning new things or fine-tuning the process of healing. Its doors of perception swing wide open. The flip side is that, given how vulnerable one then is, love lessons — sweet or villainous — can make a deep impression. Wedded hearts change everything, even the brain.

March 28, 2012


So besides checking twitter every 5 minutes - I'm now playing words with friends and draw something. Of course I don't have friends so it is with strangers. This guy right now on words is either sitting with a dictionary or getting me with made up words. He is kicking my but, but only cause I started at night and had to stop at 11:00 for bed. Like I said addicted but I'm not giving up my twitter.


So yesterday at lunch time I was driving across the hennipen ave bridge to NE Minneapolis with my friend Trish and the 2 dogs. Guess what I got a fucking ticket for speeding - really excess acceleration. Really!!! Can any really say that I drive with excess acceleration. I was even in the volvo. Again with the girls - like I would ever drive like a manic with the girls.

March 27, 2012

new documentary

Check this out!

March 26, 2012


You know how you have your work family...well since I don't have a job I have a gym family. I have been going to the gym now for 2 years and it have developed into a family a little dysfunction but a family no less. Tomorrow I go to see my trainer brother and maybe my other brother ted with join me on the tread mill again...I get to listen to both of them complain about their wives.

March 21, 2012

pub crawl

In Dublin I went on a musical pub crawl. These 2 guys took us to different pubs and explaining traditional irish music. It was really fun and not to mention there was only 12 people at the most. I thought it was going to be packed due to it was a friday night but nope. They said thursday night they had about 25 people.

March 19, 2012


This week the 2 show that I attended tapings of are airing - 2 broke girls on tonight monday and wednesday is hot in cleveland. Check them out they were funny.

maybe blogger later - brought people to the airport very early and need a nap.

March 16, 2012


This was taken on the Guinness tour! I actually had a conversation on the bus back from Galway with a man about March 17th in Ireland. I told him that I was Irish on St. Patty's day little did I know that had this up in the brewery.

March 15, 2012


Hey everyone I joined twitter - here is my twitter link to follow me - my name is @only2jill!/only2jill


I thought there would be no shopping in Dublin...what was I thinking. I forgot that the clothes fit me so much better and the styles are better. So I did more shopping than I thought I was going to do is the point of this blog.

March 14, 2012


Like I said all they do is in Ireland is drink - and being the home of Guinness I had to take a tour. You got a ticket for either a free beer or a lesson on how to pour a guinness. I took the lesson on how to pour a perfect Guinness.

The building the tour was in was 7 or 8 levels tall - I actually got really bored on the tour which was self guided. I'm sure I missed alot I just went to the pouring spot then up to the sky bar to get a look at Dublin.

There was about 10 people watching me do about stress

My perfect pour - even thought I had beer running down the side of the glass oops.

March 13, 2012

group photo

Here is my Hawaii group. I spent a whole week with all these people and survived.

March 12, 2012


For someone that doesn't drink going to Ireland was crazy. That is all they do - I know I heard the stories but I didn't really think they were really that bad. I'm here to tell you that all they do in Ireland is DRINK. So if you can't beat them join them.

I found out I like Jameson and cranberry juice - who would have though that. Jameson is so smooth and good again who would have thought I liked whiskey. I had a shot of it once in Chicago and didn't care for it.

people in my group tour doing a taste test at the jameson distillery.

The tour guide. He asked me where I was from when I was getting my ticket, when I said Minnesota he showed me he had Packer sweat wrist bands on...there are even weird packer fans in Dublin.

March 9, 2012

galway girl

Galway Girl is my favorite irish song and it was the first song I heard in Dublin. Here are some photos from my day trip to galway. It was a cute little town.

Sorry for nothing snappy about it - my writing juices are being used up for something else important. I am smart enough to know that if I didn't blog I would get hate emails of where my ireland photos are :)


My nephew and his friends - or aka my son's...I think I looked really tired that day that some guy thought they were my son's.

my first guinness with my nephew (jet lagged that is why the glasses)

A pub

Who knew Ireland fought for my Belgium

A tree on campus that got yarn bombed. I heard of yarn bombing but never saw it before.

March 8, 2012

pot of gold?

One of my objectives of going to Ireland was to see a leprechaun Here he is the back of him cause I couldn't get a front one he was a scary one. I'm surprised I didn't have nightmares from him.

March 7, 2012


Last week I decided to go to Dublin Ireland. I know that is strange but I decided I wanted to spend leap day in Ireland. It was also what I really needed after my LA trip from hell. I went to my accupunturist after my LA trip and she stated I thought you went on vacation what the heck happen you are a wreck. I was so bad she had to put needles in my boob/heart - which hurts alot. So now I can't wait to hear what she says on thursday.

Did anyone know that you go through US customs in Dublin Airport. Yup that is right I cleared US customs in Dublin. It was the weirdest thing. Also when going through customs after they swipe you passport photos of your luggage comes up on a monitor and they ask if they are your bags. It was totally mind blowing.

I took two bags to dublin and two bags left Dublin - however only one bag made it to Minneapolis. The other one caught the 8pm flight and was dropped off at 2am by a white BMW. What the heck?????

March 5, 2012

I'm back

I'm back from my irish trip! Yes I went to Dublin for a week and decided a couple days before I left. Now that is adventurous. Again it is all what you think is crazy for you !!!

to jet lagged to post a good one give me a day...

March 1, 2012

more food

More food in LA - sorry to make you guys hungry but I love the food there.

Sweet potatoe fries @ the farm in beverly hills

Yummy salad @ the farm

This is from I believe the griddle cafe on sunset but the directors or writer guild. Any way we ordered 3 different kinds of pancakes that morning. Lemon raspberry, blueberry and the one pictured is red velvet. They all were so good!!!

February 29, 2012

Leap Day

Has anyone seen the movie Leap Year??? It was good wasn't it. I'm enjoying it right now.

February 28, 2012


When I was in LA Jilaine and I found this good mexican restaurant by paramount studios. It was so good we ate there twice and the guy behind the counter recognized us from the other day.

Yummy fish tacos - I wish I could eat them now

guac and mexican coke meaning imported coke from mexico.

February 27, 2012

zip line vid

Here is the long awaited zip line video. this was the easy one...

February 24, 2012


This week William Shatner was on a press tour. Twice he mentioned that God visits between 4-7 am. I have never heard this before has anyone else??

This may explain why the girls get up at 4 and stay active til about 7. They want us be the first he visits???

February 22, 2012


My catus is blooming again

February 21, 2012

clean out!

Saturday and Sunday I decided to clean my closets. I did't even have to watch hoarders to do it.

Not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing but I have cleared out clothes over the last 3 years and I believe that I have gotten rid of most of the clothes I have had for 10 years and ones that had some meaning between Joe and I. Also I have gotten down to the good stuff so I will start consigning them instead of donating them.

Sunday did my tops

Saturday I tackled my dress and accesories.

February 20, 2012


My little girl turned 10 on sunday! She had a good day of laying around, treats, tummy rubs and a walk.

She asked to go to Santa Monica but that requires 2 dogs on a plane and I don't know if Ana is ready for that. Also not sure if any of my friends are ready to get on a plane with us either.

Since we don't have a 3 dog bakery here and they already at there sprinkles dog cupcakes I took foxy to Sonics. It went better than I thought it would.

Chill'in on the couch with my birthday hat on!

Where are we going??? somewhere good I hope!!

What should I order 2 dogs and a vegan at Sonic??

Chicken Strips, French Fries and Onion rings for me.

More Please!!!!!! Yes they are eating in the Lexus - Joe would have had a fit - as you can see the towel was not staying in place for long.

February 17, 2012

song of the day


My happy place

I'm so happy this week is done it has been hell! Plus my class reunion is this summer....oh crap

February 16, 2012


This week I have been in the sauna 2 days and is it weird that each time I have met 2 nice women in there?

The first one I was thinking she was a strange being in a sauna with full on eye make up. Come to find out she was just stopping in to warm up and then was going to work out. (with make up on) She is actually a model for shop NBC (which kind of explains the makeup) and from Moscow. She moved to the US to go to college and learned English while attending classes. That is amazing to me.

The other girl was like me warming up due to her Renauds/arthritis.

February 15, 2012

random thoughts

Yesterday I had a guy over to try and fix my software that has been crashing - it took 2 hours and then he said I have never seen anything like this - don't know what to do...Welcome to my life I said. It still isn't fixed I have to call the company - yuck!

Disclaimer this is only my experience - it is nobody that reads this...if you are your the exception.
Why is it that the people that are so religious and devoted to the church are the people that are the meanest or are bad people over all??? Is it because they go to church a couple times a week to be forgiven? What about the rest of us spiritual people that just believe that you should always be a good person no matter what???

Why is it guys beg you to be there friend on Facebook then de-friend you?? Then text you to say I was thinking of you. What ever!

Why is it that on Saturday I bought Ana a bark collar and now she isn't barking???

Why are some girls that haven't gotten married so crazy territorial around guys???

Why are the simplest thing so hard?

I'm sure there are more just can't think of any now :P

February 14, 2012

furry friends

Since today is vday I thought I would share my fuzzy friends I met in LA. Sorry again for the late blogs I have 50 things going on and not enough time to get things done. I love my beauty sleep so to stay up past 10 is not for me. I will share later what is going on because as you know my last plan for my new life got bursted and I have a new one which require a lot of detail to be worked out so that it can't be popped again.
Also you can see I have not practiced my photoshop skills these are just as they are...

Pooh would not let go of my hand and kept kissing my hand - crazy pooh
Just like a big stuffed animal - I wanted to take him home

February 12, 2012


Most of you know I love music. Sometimes I'm a little bit of a groupie...back in the days I have been good lately. Sunday is the grammy's and I love Adele and she is up for a bunch this year.

Then Wall Street Journal on-line has this article about her and Mr. Wilson. Which is Dan Wilson or Dan as I call him. (or my neighbor by the lake or I almost hit Dan one day by the lake) Any way I feel like I really know him and I'm so proud of him.

My love for him started in the mid 90's with Semisonic then grew more personal when I was with Joe. Once we even had dinner next to him - The tables were so close it was like he was eating with us. It was also before we were married so I was paying more attention what he was saying then Joe, but does that really surprise anyone???

Anyway he went on to do solo stuff and we were always up front listening to him - then in 2011 he did a reunion benefit for a guy who was hit while riding his bike in North East Minneapolis - of course I went to that - I think I even posted a video from the show.

My point of this blog is that he co-wrote a song and played the piano with Adele and here is a little bit of the article. The article is about why does Adele's song "someone like you" make you cry. Ah yeah it also explains why people like me like could be worst I could like the sex, drug and food additions. I hope they win big Sunday Night!!!!!!

"Someone Like You" is a textbook example. "The song begins with a soft, repetitive pattern," said Dr. Guhn, while Adele keeps the notes within a narrow frequency range. The lyrics are wistful but restrained: "I heard that you're settled down, that you found a girl and you're married now." This all sets up a sentimental and melancholy mood.

When the chorus enters, Adele's voice jumps up an octave, and she belts out notes with increasing volume. The harmony shifts, and the lyrics become more dramatic: "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."

When the music suddenly breaks from its expected pattern, our sympathetic nervous system goes on high alert; our hearts race and we start to sweat. Depending on the context, we interpret this state of arousal as positive or negative, happy or sad.

If "Someone Like You" produces such intense sadness in listeners, why is it so popular? Last year, Robert Zatorre and his team of neuroscientists at McGill University reported that emotionally intense music releases dopamine in the pleasure and reward centers of the brain, similar to the effects of food, sex and drugs. This makes us feel good and motivates us to repeat the behavior.

Measuring listeners' responses, Dr. Zatorre's team found that the number of goose bumps observed correlated with the amount of dopamine released, even when the music was extremely sad. The results suggest that the more emotions a song provokes—whether depressing or uplifting—the more we crave the song.

With "Someone Like You," Adele and Mr. Wilson not only crafted a perfect tear-jerker but also stumbled upon a formula for commercial success: Unleash the tears and chills with small surprises, a smoky voice and soulful lyrics, and then sit back and let the dopamine keep us coming back for more.

February 10, 2012


Saturday was a strange day...first of all there was an off shore flow so all the smog, fog and marine layer were not around. We started the day with a clear day. That doesn't happen often in LA. Everyone was talking about it. It was really nice.

I made it up to the top of Mt. Hollywood...I love hiking up there!! Look how clear it is amazing!

Proof I make it to the top

Thought this was funny :)

One our (joe and I) favorite spot which is right by the rock above

After hiking I need to swing by the camera store...and met this rock photographer he was having a book signing. Hello that would be awesome to be one!!!!! Me, music and the front row what else could I ask for.
Me and Rob did I mention he is from Minnesota??? I just wish I had my other ray bans on like his. Next time I'm there I going to see if we can shot to gather - he is very funny so the problem might be to try and keep the camera from moving due to my laughing.